She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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