My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Bring me that man meat
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
