I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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