so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
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is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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