A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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