There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
