This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
