i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
