the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
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Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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