So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
