so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
