Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
