Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
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