I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
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When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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