She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
