i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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