make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
