I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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