I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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