I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
