I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
