Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
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I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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