I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
