I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
