Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
