a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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