Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
please come you make the beer taste better
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
