from now on my penis is your penis
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
