just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
