When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
