PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
