Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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