My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
