saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
