I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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