My pussy is not your playground.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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