Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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