Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
