I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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