If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
