Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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