She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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