I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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