There was a lot of him and a little penis
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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