I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
