we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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