Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
