i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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