Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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