the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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