I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
