Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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