I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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