It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
