I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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