sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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