Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
