I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
