Heybabeimwearingurpanties
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
