So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks